Did I just buy flowers for myself? Yes, I did.

Was it the very first time? Yes, it was.

Did I take a bunch of photos? Yes, I did.

It’s not that I never bought flowers before. Walking to the flower shop, carefully selecting the right ones, and admiring the beauty of them but even more so the way they compliment the person you bought them for, is pure joy. A big wide smile appears on their face but also one that is usually accompanied by a hint of surprise. That’s either because they don’t receive flowers too often, or they are childlike to admire them every single time they get some, or I never took flowers for them before -_-, BTW makes me think that I should do it more. But whatever the case, I’ve experienced the joy or love of giving.

But what I never did before was to buy them for myself. Not on an occassion, not for absolutely no reason, not at all. Why, I wonder. Actually, I’ve been wondering for the last 24 hours. I discovered a flower shop in my neighborhood and guess what, my impulsive brain needed some additional dopamine because, I, without a hesitation, scrolled my few sacred minutes after waking up in the morning on my phone. ON Instagram, ughhhhh.

Anyway, I went to the shop and there was a lovely lady who was making some end-of-the-day arrangements before leaving for home. Yup, I made it a just few minutes before she was going to close for the day. She had a beautiful collection of small plants and flowers, and my heart was taken over by Alstroemeria in orange, yellow, white, pink, and maybe even more that I don’t remember. She had tulips, roses, in addition to tiny pothos, shrubs, vases and greeting cards. The medium-sized pothos caught my eye but they only came in second to the Peruvian Lillies (Alstroemeria). Which do you think I picked? The delicate and beautiful lillies, right?

NO.

Since I put my monstera to rest a few months ago, I couldn’t say no to the pothos. I guess I wanted to fill the spot that my monstera had. So with a heavy heart for the lillies, but an excited one for the pothos, I came back home with a cute little pothos which came with a white pot to contrast its lush green leaves. It has its own spot and I hope its happy there with just the right amount of sunshine it needs.

But did I move on from the lillies 😦 NO, not at all.

So I HAD to go again today and make a quick visit to the lady. And this time again, I found her working on her end-of-the-day activities in the small room that’s separated from the main section of the shop with a partition that had a small opening. Obviously, the right choice for her to be able to keep working and also take note of her visitors. And this time, I didn’t need to make a choice, I knew what I wanted and by the time she noticed me, I was at the billing counter with my beautiful yellow lillies and a glass vase to put them in 🙂

She made a gorgeous bouquet of the lillies along with some white Baby’s-breath using a soft pastel green paper and handed it to me. By now, I was yapping away to her about how I couldn’t wait to get back for these. I was excited, happy….

After coming home with them, I placed them carefylly on my windowsill to freshen up before I could sit down peacefully to unwrap them. I set my camera to record a time-lapse of the whole unwrapping sequence. Yup, guilty-as-charged. I have a ton of time-lapse videos everywhere but when you have so many, you can do with just another one, can’t you? I CAN, very much so 😀

I slowly untied the string, carefully removed the paper and put them all at once in the vase that I had already filled with water. I didn’t want to disturb the arrangement she had made but I still wanted to feel how soft they were, so I pretended to separate them and let them free up a little in the vase. After admiring them for a while, I decided to put them on my bedside table so I can wake up to them every morning. Oh and I also took a few photos, LOL.

Was a really long essay required to describe my visit to the flower shop today? Maybe not. But it wasn’t just about them. It was the fact that I never considered doing that for myself ever before. I got potted plants that bore flowers but never just FLOWERS. I appreciated others by giving different pieces of art including paintings, flowers, Indian sweets (very specifically Payasam (rice pudding) and Double ka Meetha). But the thought of giving all of those to myself never won the battle with comfort. Or at least, “comfort” was the excuse I kept giving myself. That raises the question – was giving them to others uncomfortable? NO, never was. I really enjoy it, makes my heart smile when I see them smiling. I LOVE IT.

But having been a people-pleaser all my life, I’ve never understood the difference between people-pleasing and giving. I have glasses but that was one hell of a blurred line for me to see even with glasses on.

But lately, I’ve been dissecting my experiences to truly understand the difference and all the different ways I give and people-please. It’s been quite the learning so far, and one that’s definitely worth all the effort, confusion and unlearning. Giving has no boundaries, no expectations. It isn’t conditional.

And can you think of an interesting condition that was right under your nose but went unnoticed forever?

YOU!

Yes, YOU. You were never the condition either. You had to give yourself what you gave to others. All the love, acceptance, accountability, rest, laughter, food, and some FLOWERS.

This is GIVING, in it’s truest form.

One can only give to the world what they have within, and there lies the irony if you don’t mind getting lost in that thought for a moment.

I got some lillies for myself today, what about YOU?

The only #MeToo you might consider being a part of 🙂

Ashritha